The Things That No one Saw

I type with one hand forgive my typos!!  I found this today in my blog accout and decided to finally publish it. I feel that my stroke, six years ago , was on display for everyone to see. It felt very public, as if I was being watched for entertainment similar to watching the flakes fall in a snowglobe without a lot of protection for my privacy. They saw me survive and thought, she didn't die and got to go home. She's fine. Or worse, said, " well at least you can... or at least you have...at least you are here" DON'T SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN TO HELL AND YOU HAD NO IDEA! What no one saw was me trying to touch my nose for hours daily or the long hours of learrning to walk and talk again. Being told I will never work, drive, or be the same again. It is all very threatening. No one saw the torment of losing my job, of leaving my school kids that were counting on me or saw the hurt to my boys who were counting on me, the ones that I let down.

          I was left behind because no one knew quite what to say. They put me out of mind, beacuse I was out of sight. No one saw the mornings that I waited in bed until John could get me to the bathroom after waking and feeding the boys, and I'd lie still, afraid to move. Or when he would drop me off at the new rehab which petrified me and I would cry every morning. The hours that I walked around the block when I finally could, until I would exhaust myself, or tried to teach myself to run because my brain didn't know how much I hated it! No one saw the years that I ugly cried all day every day because I was trapped inside a body that wouldn't work, with a mind that was jumbled and confused. I sobbed for two years in front of my boys, sisters, parents, friends, without ceasing. The terror that came home with me was just for us. No one saw the trauma that affected my sons who witnessed me struggle and fight through the confusion of what was happening to me. No one saw that I could find NO JOY no matter how hard I tried. Only the boys and John knew the person who came home was not the same person who left that night, or how it affected these most wonderful, beautiful boys of mine... all four! My sisters & Jay knew that I wasn't the same and every now and then they would see me and say so. It was so great when someone could find me trapped in all of that garbledy-gook! 

      No one saw that I couldn't tell reality from imagination. I was so anxious that Charlie would tell me what was real and not real every day. It was a lot to put on a 12 year old, but he wanted to"step up" and be strong, and he has been. My boys are true citizens, taking care of others! No one saw the aftermath of what that one night in our lives caused. How the one boy struggled with PTSD from that night for years or how the other boys felt the responsibility to make everyone ok and happy, Taking upon their small shoulders a burden that was too large to carry. I wanted to handle my circumstances with grace. I failed miserably. The damage to the brain was too great to be able to just be better and move on. STROKE NEVER GOES AWAY!   No one also saw the nights that I would pour over an algebra book pushing to figure out those equations, or the notebooks that I would write and doodle in for hours sometimes copying the dialog of a tv show so I could read back over it and follow the plot. How I picked back up my paintbrush and painted away the anxiety. All the while healing my brain.