The Pity Party was Today

          I wonder why when I am knee deep in busy and  exhausted, I am having the best time of

 my life.The slow pace of life that I’ve found myself in these days is horribly unsatisfying and, 

scary. The quiet  surrounds me like a grave and my busy brain reaches to places it has never 

traveled; and doesn’t need to now. Filling my time is stressful. I  no longer feel I have a place 

 in this world; i no longer fit. My puzzle, which has been vibrant, and perfect for many

 years, has lost essential pieces that make my world complete.

        I am a survivor, of many things, but I do not feel strong right now. i know it will return, 

because The Lord(God) is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. 

With God, nothing is impossible. I feel confidently that this is just one more thing to survive.

       Being am avid watcher of college football, i hear and. Despise  the word adversity a lot. 

To quote my son at seven years old, “Geesch, they think that is diversity? Diversity is. When 

you are stuck under a rock and have to chew our own eg off to get free.” I feel in touch 

recently with his definition of adversity.

          Normally, i don’t allow a pity party for myself , but today i was n pain and succumbed 

to it . Don’t judge me too harshly for it.

 Pity Party for Tara:

 Table of one.

 

The End of Buzz Lightyear

 

    Last night, my oldest son, invited me to watch Lightyear with him. when it premiered in

the theater, I expressed to him, my desire to watch that only with him. With three boys, 

superheroes were big at my house; most came and went. John stayed loyal to Buzz. We had

 big Buzz, red Buzz, blue Buzz, whatever new Buzz was on the shelf, eventually came to

 live at The Salley House; each loved fiercely.  One evening at Publix, John sitting proudly

 in the cart, the twins "driving in the bottom car cart:", A woman

 stopped me and asked in a snarky voice, why my son was wearing his costume

 in public. "He believes he is Buzz  Lightyear", I replied as if it was obvious; in a

 tone to  end the conversation. John sat, oblivious shooting people with his 

pretend arm laser shew, shew, shew. 

 Most people smiling at his innocent play.  The next time we shopped I

 let him wear his blow up Buzz wings. 

Buzz and the Toy Story movies stayed family favorites well into elementary school, and the

 family went together when Toy Story 3 hit the theater. I cried as

 Andy said goodbye and left for college.

 Little did I know how painful his growing up would actually become. Never,

 did I think my Buzz Lightyear would struggle with addiction and try to quit high school,

 Shout "fuck you" or "I hate you; you make life miserable".

 He was my little buddy, my first baby. He made me a mother, we were close. He confided.

 in me and stalled at  bedtime every night with one more thing to tell me. At 15, I knew my little Buzz was slipping away. It wasn't until last night, watching Lightyear on the 

6-foot beanbag in his room, plus girlfriend that I knew in my heart, Buzz was

 gone forever. 

And my heart broke.

He turns 19 in 6 hours.

Happy Birthday  My Buzz! Love, Mom. 2023

The Things That No one Saw

I type with one hand forgive my typos!!  I found this today in my blog accout and decided to finally publish it. I feel that my stroke, six years ago , was on display for everyone to see. It felt very public, as if I was being watched for entertainment similar to watching the flakes fall in a snowglobe without a lot of protection for my privacy. They saw me survive and thought, she didn't die and got to go home. She's fine. Or worse, said, " well at least you can... or at least you have...at least you are here" DON'T SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN TO HELL AND YOU HAD NO IDEA! What no one saw was me trying to touch my nose for hours daily or the long hours of learrning to walk and talk again. Being told I will never work, drive, or be the same again. It is all very threatening. No one saw the torment of losing my job, of leaving my school kids that were counting on me or saw the hurt to my boys who were counting on me, the ones that I let down.

          I was left behind because no one knew quite what to say. They put me out of mind, beacuse I was out of sight. No one saw the mornings that I waited in bed until John could get me to the bathroom after waking and feeding the boys, and I'd lie still, afraid to move. Or when he would drop me off at the new rehab which petrified me and I would cry every morning. The hours that I walked around the block when I finally could, until I would exhaust myself, or tried to teach myself to run because my brain didn't know how much I hated it! No one saw the years that I ugly cried all day every day because I was trapped inside a body that wouldn't work, with a mind that was jumbled and confused. I sobbed for two years in front of my boys, sisters, parents, friends, without ceasing. The terror that came home with me was just for us. No one saw the trauma that affected my sons who witnessed me struggle and fight through the confusion of what was happening to me. No one saw that I could find NO JOY no matter how hard I tried. Only the boys and John knew the person who came home was not the same person who left that night, or how it affected these most wonderful, beautiful boys of mine... all four! My sisters & Jay knew that I wasn't the same and every now and then they would see me and say so. It was so great when someone could find me trapped in all of that garbledy-gook! 

      No one saw that I couldn't tell reality from imagination. I was so anxious that Charlie would tell me what was real and not real every day. It was a lot to put on a 12 year old, but he wanted to"step up" and be strong, and he has been. My boys are true citizens, taking care of others! No one saw the aftermath of what that one night in our lives caused. How the one boy struggled with PTSD from that night for years or how the other boys felt the responsibility to make everyone ok and happy, Taking upon their small shoulders a burden that was too large to carry. I wanted to handle my circumstances with grace. I failed miserably. The damage to the brain was too great to be able to just be better and move on. STROKE NEVER GOES AWAY!   No one also saw the nights that I would pour over an algebra book pushing to figure out those equations, or the notebooks that I would write and doodle in for hours sometimes copying the dialog of a tv show so I could read back over it and follow the plot. How I picked back up my paintbrush and painted away the anxiety. All the while healing my brain.

These Are A Few of My favorite Things

Anyone that knows me well, can tell you that I love the following things: 1. Mu husbsand 2. my sisters and brother 2. New Sharpie Matrkers.. all colors 2. eye shadow 3. church choir singing 4. singing in a microphone 5. 80's music 6. Athens, GA 7. Salley boys 8. my home 9. praise music 9. oysters 10. dirty martinis 11. the color pink 12. 1 direction 13. Duran Duran

It Has Been Five Years:

It hasbeen five years now since my life was permanently altered and turned upside down. Unexpectedly, after a full day of work, I came home and 20 minutes later to suffer a massive stroke in the shower. Thankfully, my husband was near eniugh t hear me fall and knew enugh to call 911 immediately. I was pulled out of te shower, tossed on the bed and covered up nwhile we waited for the EMT's to arrive.My 14 year old son sat with me trying ti hld me still, after e got his tw younger brothers out of the house. I am told I was thrashing around andfighting the EMT's.For that reason, I was strapped down, it was a god thing too since thr stretcher hit every wall and vorner on the way out. I was freezing and st hoolding onto my son, s he walked m all the way to the ambulance. i was taken to the wrong hospital but twas hankfully administered CPA upon arrval; to dissove the clot. Strangely, i could hear what was hapening around me but could not react or respond. Although I didn't know that until much later.I truly thought everyone could hear what I wa screaming, but it was only in my head. Later I would mention the things tht I had said, only t be told I could not tal at all or respond. "was it al in my head"?To quote Albus Dumbledore, "Just because it happened in your head doesn't mean it wasn't real". i was kept in the ICU and allowed visitors and my room, while i remained strapped down to the bed.My room was packed. Wellwishers came to check on John and see how we were fairing. Sady, many, ant people saw me in such a poor state!There was an intubation tube that was too arge for my throat so i was having dificulty swallowing around it and I could not tal to tell anyone. i tried using sign language and almost earned myself a trip ti the psych ward, until my father remembered, i knew how to talk with my hands...crickets. So they tried having me write.Now keep in miund, I was alled a vegetable just the night before, snd now they want me to write?!? Who is the brain damaged you ask? Not Bonnie, my sister. she wuivkly found a pad of papr and loaded t with letters like a keyboard. i could tap out my requests thar way... Vegetable, my foot! Since i was making so much progress , I was moved to a real room and was assigned a physical therapist to het me up and n a walker. i have a fewc vbideos of ythis. They are quite pitiful and i am told remarkable. i still was strugglng with my left side paralysisbut could now respond if you spoke to me from the right side of my body. From here I would be moved to Walton Rehabiitation Hospital. Thry transported me by ambulance so i was back on the stretcher Walton was a whirlwind of activity.craig waswheeling me through the halls when I heardva familiar voice. I looked up snd it was Gena!!I had a daily schedule starting at 7:00 am. to begin my ADLs, Activities of Daily Living. wash my face, do my hair, brush my teeth, and Everyone eats breakfast! My caloric intake was increased, to my dismay and my increasing waistline. "We are going to put ten ounds on you", the doctors said. "Calories heal the brain" I was ntroduced to my roommate. She wasa character. I cannot remember her name. I called her crunchy because she would rattle chip bags in the middle of the night, frequently.Upon our meeting, and the staff leaving the room, se informed me quickly that she was leaving soon, ripped off he shirt transferrred to her wheel chair and started to push her way outofthe room, slamming into my bed a few times before evexiting. i began then counting down the days until she checked out andd I was by myself. `She liked Law & order SUV and the Menendez murderspecial was being aired. Sure as can be, it was on in our room all night for days,really loudly. our family wasamazing, Alice would come before work to hejo me with my ADLs, Will was drivung the boys to school every morning and did untilI could drive again.Anna cameregularlu with a Chia tea Latte.Friends andvformer students vsited me. I stried to focus on my tasks and workouts. it only took a 10-15vminutework out to put me bacj in the bedfor a nap. I was exhausted! i couldn' imagine how I was going to get through the day at school when I got home! I had no idea that I would never be going back to work. Or,that I wouldd be getting a newcroommate. When they brought her in my drape was drawn and i lied as quietly asI could and cried. We turned out to be soul sisters!God was good! I stayed there, wth no phone or way to communicate with the outside world.I felt like i had checked into the Hotel California. I could go out whenever I wanted but I could never leave. I was missing my oldest boys entire football season and ony kept up with bthe games duev to th fact that my doctors son was on the same team. he promised he would have me out by the last game; and i held him to it!So, on october 12, not nealy ready to leave te hospital, i was picked up, clapped out and taken home for a night.I did go to that football game though. in the hot sun, in my wheel chair. I was relentless. I was also pput bak into physical rehab the very next day. i coud not stay by myselfand needed someone to babysit me and I needed more therapy. Thus, i was dropped of every morning at Neuro Restorative for dy therapy. I worked with Marty, Rebecca, and Tonya for a year.They made me go to the cold Crock pool but they also took me to golf, which agter crying anf almost calling in sick, i absolutely loved.i met some amazing people too, a different Marty, Nick, jenn, Ricky and John and the adapted gof program at Wedges ans Woods, I cannot say enuigh god things about it! It made a huge difference in ny life!i continued to go to go to once a aweek unril stupid COVID locked the world down,After N.R.Nut umtil then anna and I went to lunch together every Friday. I wassent to AU. i joined Katie's Pool at te Y. This totally changed my life. Claudia and the therapists really helped me change and grow stronge, still I cried. in public, in private, from morning until I fell asleep again. I don't mean boohoohoo.I was wailing and just carrying n as my grandmother woud say. I cried at church, in front f my children, out of town and in every situation yuo could imagine, i cried.I was unsoothable. I went to the pool every other day when i could find a ride. I also had to have help dressing, either John would take me and help,my mom, sometimesmy friend Sterling came with me, or my new friend Shirley would help me. God put so many new and amazing people in my life through this whole ordeal. Rudy. Mike, Charlie I COULD NOT DRIVE! for a least two years. Then on a trip to Atlanta, I got the call there was an opening in Marietta for an adapted driving test.My parents and son took me over, dropped me off.I passed the written test, and went out for the driving portion at 5:00 traffic and the sky fell torrential rain, traffic and half-brain driving.I passed with flying colors ad wecdrove home.At first my driving was restricted to places i knew well and morning carpool. I began seeing a neuropsychologist and the crying stopped.Little did I know that I was headed back to rehab at N.R.but this time, I would be drivng myself. What does Tiktok say? Let's skip to the good part: During the lockdown, my left hand stated moving, itbstill doesnt do much and knocks things over often.God was showing His grace again. i can: drive with both hands cook...relatively speaking open doors hold a water bottel but spill because it squeezes so hard tutor walk jog...haha trot actually climb stairs almost at a run do a little dancey damce at home of course I can't type: forgibe the typos do my hair/ponytail support weight on myn arm walk in inthe dark walk my dog put my own jeans on by myself put on my bra normally... still over my head feel anything with myleft hand stand with my eyes closed and things that you think I can muntil I try and fail But it's been 5 years and I feel extraordinarily better Scriptures: be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” Joshua 1:9 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 (borrowed from a friend/) HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCOOT!

Will He Marry Her?

one of my favorite movies is a Christian film called Old Fashioned;written, and directed by Rick

 Swartzwelder, he was also the main character and totally handsome. If you haven't seen it, without

 spoiling it, the main character is a reformed Christian, having abandoned his wild ways; now has rules for

 himself to stay in check. It wasn't until recently when I ran into a young fella at the grocery store buying

 flowers for his girlfriend... "just because" did i understand the point. Dating teaches couples how to be 

good at dating. It in no way prepares you for the future, marrige or the changes that come with it. It is not 

the rule but the exception that picks up flowers ..... because. After you settle into marriage and the mystery 

has worn off, and it will! Regular life doesn't give you butterflies and tingles, at leeast not in the same 

way. It's not that the romance is gone, it just becomes more comfortable and changes. I cannot speak for 

anyone else, but when my husband cleans the kitchen or takes it upon himself to vacuum, I find that a 

romantic gesture. Sitting together in the evening with good music and a glass of wine beats a bar any 

day, even on Disco-hell night. There is a comfortable companionship that we share that was tingly and 

exciting when we were getting to know each other. Now, it makes me smile with ease and happiness, 

especially when one of "my songs" is playing. So, will he ask? Probably ,but don't rush. Take your time 

and enjoy being you before you rush to the altar. And know that your relationship changes 

immediately...in na bad way, just changes. Be prepared.

Dieting Forever

This morning with my coffee, i absentmindedly turned on an old episode of Friends. For those pf us, once skinny girls who are atill carrying arounf the after-effects of childbirth. This show is like a lemon in a paper cut. But today, while Chandler's tall girlfriend with perfect srms and a Scarlett O'Hara waist stood there. i was eating my diet breakfast and black coffee....yek, i relized that I am not chasing an adult thin nody, but the body of youth. Those arms and protrudung pelvic bones are really a natural look of youth, early twenties, pre-marriage, no children. So, i have to think, am i killing myself for something i have had and will never get back. Don't get me wrong. i have seen the lasdies that have a daughter's esdding coming up and hitthe gym;lose body mass, sport sleeveless shirts with her toned arms, and short swing dresses. i am not one of them and it is still not the body I have been chasing for eighteen years. My body has been through a lot to be sitting here today writing. I also work hard to love me as I am, because i am beautifully and wondserfully made...but I wasn't made like this it is more of a becoming. Still, the fact that this body is still wrking is a complete miracle. i havev put it through stage V cancer, two high risk pregnancies (one with twins), a severe stroke, and years of being autoimmune compromised. scleroderma/lupus. it is time that i embrace who and what I am. A fifty year old with three teenagers. i will continue to try an improve myself just not to look like a kid again.Now, i will shoot to lok like a fit me. Comparing myself to other people is not working for me. ***disclaimer*** I can onky type with one hand and tend to havetypos.